Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Ankle Biters (2002), Adam Minarovich.

Oh, come on!  I had to see this and it only cost $3.  Ankle Biters is basically a super duper low-budget showcase for amateurish fight scenes propelled by a premise that borrows plot elements from the Wesley Snipes Blade films.  Except instead of a half-vampire half-human battling vampires, we have a half-vampire, half-human battling midget vampires.  Bonus:  it's filmed in the south and everyone has Bubba accents.  Let's take a look.

Ponytail dude in Tool t-shirt is cornered by vampires!  This is kinda 1992, eh?  

Unfortunately the vampire attack scenes are a little confusing and inelegant.  Dogpile! 

Next fight scene.  Let's punctuate it by cutting to an expressionless bartender!

Hm.  A little dark in here.  I think I see some roundhousing.

There's plenty of lovingly shot footage of motor vehicles.

To be blunt, at 81 minutes and without a lick of technical expertise, this thing is way too long.  We had ten minutes of Rip Torn style huge laughs and then seventy minutes where I realized there was no story, just a series of crappy fight scenes and Oh God, are they just walking down a hallway this entire scene?!  At first my gut reaction was a kind of misplaced pathos:  props to writer/director/star Adam Minarovich for getting some friends together and making it all happen, I thought.

Minarovich has not given up -- he's nudged himself into the industry, and was most recently seen in the AMC series Walking Dead playing Ed Peletier, an abusive, sexist-pig husband.  Not a bad trajectory for a DIY route.  But after a few days, my reaction has changed.  This is a terrible movie.  Minarovich is clearly the only one onscreen taking this movie seriously - way too seriously.  He's filmed from worm's eye view in heroic shots and gets all the "good" lines (including snapping at his Little Person sidekick pejoratively "Close your little mouth" - yech).  Minarovich appears motivated not to tell a unique story or contribute something to film.  He just wants to be part of the industry, which is what he has achieved - by making the film equivalent of Cheetos.



There is something missing from this trailer: oh yeah - the part where a midget punches another dude in the crotch.

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