Cinema Tourism: Wish List

1.  Cinecittà Studios, Rome.

All imperialists must understand the value of propaganda.  Augustus distributed idealized busts of his youthful self throughout the empire, and Benito Mussolini established Cinecittà (Film City)  in 1937 where films like La Dolce Vita (1960) and Ben Hur (1959) were shot.  A fire burned down quite a bit of the grounds in 2007, but they still do tours and curate exhibitions of props and costumes.  HBO's Rome was also shot here, over a massive square footage.  I've walked through the remains of ancient Rome before, so now I need to blow my mind and walk through both in the same week.  I can fantasize about Ciarán Hinds while I'm at it.  Dream vacation.

2.  Ramoji Film City, Hayanthnagar / Eros Cinema, Mumbai

Eros Cinema.  Photo by Sandra Cohen-Rose and Colin Rose.

Actually, don't steal my business idea of Bollywood tour packages - but, come ON!  Why is this not marketed like mad yet?  Film City is a huge, open-air production venue for Bollywood that also caters to tourists.  I'm guessing the Indian equivalent of the Universal Studios tour.   Its existence answers my question as to how it is humanly possible to see an empty street in a Bollywood film when in reality India seems constantly crowded and cacophonous with the tooting horns of auto-rickshaws.  Oh, they film on a big fake set!  Eureka moment.  The Eros Cinema in Mumbai is a gorgeous art deco movie house with a seating capacity of 1,200.  My Indian film itinerary could go on and on but these are a few highlights.  Call me, GAP Adventures.


3.  Pordenone Silent Film Festival, Pordenone Italy.
I've never been to northern Italy.

4.  Poverty Row Studios of LA
My dream trip to LA would include whatever is left of its film history plus a couple of stops to film archives.  On this list would be Monogram Picture's studios.  Its earlier digs were on Sunset Blvd, and were until recently owned by KCET Studios.  In true LA fashion, the property was sold to the Church of Scientology in 2011.  This is where The Babe Ruth Story (1948) the funniest, one-star hagiography starring William Bendix (produced by Monogram successor Allied Artists) was filmed -- reason enough for me to make the trek.  Placerita Canyon Road, a location where Monogram filmed westerns, is still home to movie-making in the form of Melody Ranch.  Melody Ranch even has a museum chock full of awesome movie and TV memorabilia.

 Monogram's first digs, 4376 Sunset Blvd.  

Actually, KCET sold the property to Scientologists, making me wonder if I have to ride the Fruit Machine before getting a look at the longest-continually filming site in American movie history.  

5.  Alamo Drafthouse, Austin, Texas.

Actually, my wish list reads: "get back to the Drafthouse" because I've been once before (only once).  And yeah, I know, they're starting one in NYC but let me guess, no chips and queso at this location.  This is the kick-ass movie chain that offers wings and White Russians served directly to your seat.  They are also vigilant about ejecting self-entitled assholes who talk and text while the movie is on.  (See clip below, NSFW).  I salute you, Drafthouse, for making the ideal movie experience come true and for promoting genre flix and other loose ends.  

6.  Noir City Festival, San Francisco.
Eddie Muller rocks - he's great on commentaries and he helps make this happen.  I love how devoted noir people are.  They basically live the life, don't they.  Let's get some vintage style underpants, and let's go.

7.  TCM Cruise
A cruise full of old people / Hollyweird silver screen fans!  And possibly fantasy grandpa Robert Osborne and/or Ben Mankiewicz!  I still shake my fist having missed the last sailing, which included 95-year-old Ernest Borgnine as special celebrity guest.  Here's a few good reasons to go:

• Old people go to bed early.  No thumping bass echoing through the poop deck at one AM.  This works for me.
• Ben Mankiewicz is hot in glasses and I am fully prepared to be snubbed by a hot TV host at the buffet.
• Prices start at $995!
• Miami to Cozumel:  not long enough to contract the Norwalk virus!  Or is it?

This is on a boat?  What is it, the Titanic or something?  Well, OK, as long as it's not the Poseidon.

8.  Oh, the Elgin theater in Chelsea is now a contemporary dance theater?  OK, I'll go with the IFC instead, then. 

The Terror of the Tongs (1961), Anthony Bushell.

Christopher Lee, or should I say Li?

Even discounting the white guys-dressing-up-as-Asians charade aside, The Terror of the Tongs is not a great movie.  It's not very sexy, the story meanders, and its hero Captain Jack Sale (Geoffrey Toone) is just a stuffed-shirt caricature of British correctness.  My attention wandered during this one, but I'll summarize:  Sale lands in Hong Kong where his teenaged daughter (over?) excitedly awaits his return.  He also unwittingly brings with him a list of names of members of the Tong underworld, which has been planted on him.  A parade of Chinese gangsters run after the list, leaving behind a bloody trail of chopped fingers and other delights.  The Terror of the Tongs doesn't succeed at building up much suspense.  Once the list is burned, Sale continues on a revenge mission to seek out the roots of the Tong gangs.  Once he comes face to face with Christopher Lee, local head of the Tongs, he continues to have dull adventures dodging wooden axes.  Christopher Lee sits on a throne.  Aside from a ghastly torture scene, it's blah blah blah... "Asian" chicks, finale.

Captain Sale bullies a local.  I guess Chinese guys are known for their crazy eyebrows?

Yeah, so getting back to the deal about casting Europeans in heinous makeup to play Asians.  It seems to me that 1961 is rather late for this approach.  We have the immortal Burt Kwouk of Pink Panther fame here in a straight role, hunting down Tongs.  Sadly, he doesn't even last a couple of scenes.  Kwouk was really chewing his dialogue in great contrast to Toone's lips-barely-moving approach to acting so the decision to lose him so early was unfortunate.

Dammit, I was hoping for way more Burt Kwouk!

There's a couple of other Asians, mostly extras in the background, but almost all speaking roles go to white guys.  It just seems odd.  I suppose the argument would be that in '61, a British audience wouldn't have any interest in watching a film with a predominantly Asian cast?  So the movie then becomes a series of distractions as to whose eyes look the oddest and who summons the weirdest fake Chinese accent.  Thank goodness Christopher Lee decided against ching-chong singsong, although his false lidless eyes look plasticized and very uncomfortable.  This movie also takes advantages of the entire checklist of Asian stereotypes:  the sexy half-breed, wise grandma, the cowardly coolie, the sweaty bald weightlifting Asian guy on 'roids.  Question:  if Asian women are so hot, why were there none in the movie?  

This is my bone-scraping face!

I am just a poor half-breed lady that bought her entire outfit at that place in the mall that dyes your shoes to match your prom dress!